10 Christmas Thoughts

Ten thoughts to share with you this Christmas:

1. The holidays are a great time to surround oneself with friends and family, and to share in the spirit of giving. And, for us single folks, it’s a time when we become acutely aware of every moment of our lives that would be better if someone were there to share it with us. In other words, Christmas is a lonely time for lonely people. So if you know anyone who’s lonely (and trust me, you do), make them feel loved this holiday season.

2. Don’t talk about politics over Christmas dinner. As a young liberal tasting your first real political victory, you’ll be tempted to rub your parents’ conservative faces in the Obama victory. In the spirit of Christmas, spare your family the humiliation. And no diatribes about Proposition 8. Save it for Easter Sunday.

3. Ok, one quick diatribe on Proposition 8: for all you Christian fundamentalists, Mormon demagogues, homophobic bigots, and other members of the Intolerance of the Month Club: fuck you. Maybe your own lives would be happier and more fulfilling if you stopped wasting your breath trying to curb the happiness of others. If you oppose gay marriage because homosexuality is a sin, well then I hope you work just as hard to stop every other sinner from getting married too. Oh, wait; we’re all sinners. So, let’s just ban marriage altogether. And if you don’t mind gay couples getting married, as long you can call it something other than marriage, well then you’re talking about creating Separate But Equal institutions. How has that faired in American history? Should we make all the queers go to separates schools, drink from different water fountains, and sit in the back of the bus? Let’s stop pretending that Proposition 8 is anything other than legalized bigotry, and that the motivations behind it are anything other than intolerance, hate, and fear. If you can’t tolerate a man loving another man, or a woman loving another woman, then you are a small, small person. God didn’t put us on this earth to judge each other. He put us here to love each other.

4. On a lighter note, go treat yourself to a Peppermint White Chocolate mocha at Starbucks, or the coffee distributor of your choice. You deserve it.

5. It’s Christmas, so for God’s sake tip your barista. Even at the drive thru.

6. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen is a Christmas song. Hark! The Herald Angel Sings is a Christmas song. Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Old Lang Syne” is NOT a Christmas song—it is a sappy, pathetic song about sappy, pathetic people. And don’t get me started on “The Christmas Shoes.” If I hear that song one more time, Mommy won’t be the only one meeting Jesus tonight.

7. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is NOT a sexy song, no matter how sexily you sing it. It’s a song about your parents getting frisky on Christmas Eve. Let’s just pretend it doesn’t exist.

8. If you’re thinking of giving someone a gift card for Christmas, give them cash instead. Giving someone a gift card is like saying to them, “I don’t know what to give you for Christmas, but I know if I just give you cash you’ll waste it on hookers and blow.”

9. The internet will never replace cable TV news, and I’ll tell you why: if it wasn’t for MSNBC, nobody who reads the Huffington Post or DailyKos would be able to have a conversation about the Blagovevich scandal--because none of us would know how to pronounce his name.

10. If you have a brain full of festering complaints about crappy holiday songs, unbridled American bigotry, or the crushing sadness of being single during the holidays, don’t foist your ramblings onto unsuspecting friends and relatives. Either keep them to yourself, or post them on a blog that you rarely update and that nobody reads. Don’t sweat the small stuff, the big stuff, or any stuff in between. Christmas comes but once a year, so make it merry and bright.

Whatever your winter holiday of choice, I wish you a happy one.