The Ground Rules

I need to lay out a few ground rules, because apparently we were not all blessed with the same level of common sense. Please, PLEASE remember the following:

1. If we are walking toward each other on a sidewalk or in a hallway, I am going to move to my right. You need to move to YOUR right. If I wanted to dance with you, I would have worn more comfortable shoes.
2. At a four-way intersection, everyone gets to go in the order they arrived. In the case of a tie, yield to the person on your right. I know this isn’t new information to you, because you had to hear it in order to receive the license in your wallet, purse, or glove box. If it is your turn, I am NOT going to go, no matter how much you waive, beckon, and flail about in the cabin of your Toyota Camry. You are NOT doing anyone a favor by letting someone go out of turn. Just stick to the rules, and everything will be fine.
3. If we start talking at the same time, whoever spoke last should shut up and let the other speak. If I say “go ahead,” do NOT reply by saying “no, you go ahead.” Reply by GOING AHEAD.
4. If the conversation wanders off to a new topic, do not be Billy Buzzkill and interject with a smug “getting back to what we were talking about…” Nobody likes the Conversation Police. Let the fluidity of discourse flow where it may.
5. If the stranger behind you walks at a faster pace, find an excuse to stop or move to one side and LET HIM BY. As a fast-walker, nothing drives me crazier than the slow-walker in front of me who refuses to yield. Believe me, I don’t want to be the creepy stalker guy who nips at your heels. I just can’t help it, since you insist on trotting along with the gait of an 80 year-old arthritic in a blizzard.
6. I’m bad with names. I’m sorry, but it’s not like I’m the only one. If you say hi to me, and I reply “hey, you,” it means I have forgotten your name, probably because we met once at a party three months ago when I was so drunk that I couldn’t remember my own name, let alone yours. So please, when I say “hey, you,” reply by reminding me what your name is, where we met, and if I said or did anything that should make our subsequent conversation awkward and interminable. In fact, if I did say or do something that would make our subsequent conversation awkward and interminable, don’t bother saying hi to me at all. Let’s just move on with our lives, and chalk the whole thing up to Jager.
7. No one loves your cat as much as you do. If this is news to you, I’m sorry.
8. Any conversation that begins with “I had a dream last night” will end with me putting bricks in my pockets and jumping into a river. If we had sex in your dream, and you’re telling me this by way of a come-on, then by all means, keep talking. Otherwise, I’ll be keeping my eye out for a high bridge over deep water.
9. This one’s a little graphic, so hold your nose: When it comes to moving one’s bowels, the process can take anywhere from a couple seconds to a full half-hour. It’s all a function of diet and body chemistry. So, if I’m in the bathroom for a long time, please do not make a big production out of it when I emerge. I was in there a long time: I get it. It smells really bad: again, I get it. I was pooping, ha ha. Get over it.
10. If I like you enough and/or am drunk enough to want to dance, I will ask you. Otherwise, my default position in regards to dancing is sheer, mortal terror. So, don’t ask me to dance. I’m only going to make a protracted show of saying NO that will start out as self-effacing humor, then descend into mild annoyance, and finally full-throated rage. Please don’t take it personally.
11. This last rule goes out to the waitresses of the world: If you say “enjoy your meal,” and I reply “you too,” it’s not because I’m an idiot. It’s just an automatic thing, a dummy phrase that I’m conditioned to say in response to anyone wishing me a happy anything. Let’s just ignore it and move on with our server-customer relationship as if nothing happened.

If anyone has any questions regarding these rules, or would like to dispute them, please feel free to email me at mille324@cc.wwu.edu. If you would like to add a rule to the list, get your own damn blog. If you would like to purchase a hard copy of these rules, you’re an idiot. Just print them off my blog for free. I don’t do business with tree killers.